Generally, we're not taught how to be a fantastic lover, we learn through experience. At GMFA we get the chance to talk to lots of gay men about their experiences and the things that can make for great sex. We've gathered some of their best advice here, as well as some tips that help keep the sex you have safe.

We've also taken the time to really learn about how the arse works and how you can increase your pleasure and reduce your pain when you're getting fucked. We can guarantee that the section on your arse will teach you things that they never taught you in sex education at school.

We know that not everybody is going to like the same thing, but whether you've just come out or you've been around the block a few times, we hope that there will be something here that you can use.

The more confident and informed you are in sexual situations, the easier it is for you to stay in control of the sex you're having.

Whether you're having a wank yourself, or wanking someone else, there's more to it that just grabbing hold and pulling. No one has ever caught HIV from wanking so experimenting with a few of the techniques below is pretty much risk free - and lots of fun. Just don't overdo it and pull to hard!

The Fist

In this common technique, you simply wrap your fingers around the shaft of your dick and rub up and down. It provides lots of contact between hand & dick – and more contact means more pleasure. This technique is especially good if you have a big dick; if your dick isn't much longer than your fist is wide you won't be able to stroke it very far, so another grip may be more effective.

The Five Finger

In this technique, your hand and arm form an angle with your penis, with four fingers on top of the shaft at a diagonal and your thumb below. This allows you to get more control over hand to dick contact, and lets you move your hand along the entire length of your dick, even if it isn't very large.

The Three Finger

The Backhand

This one – kind of a backwards version of the "fist". This time grab your dick from the left side rather than the right (if you are right handed). To do this, rotate your wrist so your thumb is pointing down; you may have to pull your dick to the side a bit. It's a little awkward at first, but it's an excellent grip to use when you want to try something other than your normal grip for a while.

If you get bored of those, you can find a range of techniques from the belly-smack to the milker at www.jackinworld.com

Sucking cock is a core sexual activity for most gay men but different men like different things. Some like lots of activity around the head of their cock, others find the head too sensitive and prefer work along the shaft of the penis. Some men don't enjoy deep-throating and more men than you may think aren't keen on receiving blowjobs at all. Ask your partner what he likes and doesn't like; if you're too shy to ask you'll have to try to interpret his groans.

Men tend to be quite visual – they like looking at what's going on to help get them turned on – so give them a chance to see what you're up to down there. A good blow job doesn't only involve the cock, there are plenty of other sexually sensitive areas close by, his balls and ball sack for example, so try licking those too.

While some guy's just want rhythmic pumping on the end of their cock, many of us like a bit of variation. By alternation the amount and speed at which you suck or lick, there are hundreds of combinations you can come up with! You can also alternate hot and cold sensations by rinsing your mouth with a warm drink and iced water in turn.

One way to vary your technique (and to give your jaw a rest) is to use your hands. Here are two tricks to add to your repertoire:

The Cock Pull

For direct attention to the dick – but only in one direction. Saliva may be enough for this dependant on the situation but the addition of a favourite lube could be a boon. Starting at the base of the dick, slide a hand up towards the tip, placing the other hand at the base. Just before the first hand comes off the tip of his dick, start the other hand moving up from the base to the tip. Keep the base to tip sliding with alternate hands up and try getting faster & faster. This works really well with a rock hard dick (his), and it's also a great trick on a bloke who's not hard yet or has problems getting hard (works miracles apparently). Of course you can go the other way if you have a hard dick in your hands – or use a combination of the two.

The Drum

Remember that some blokes don't like having their balls played with so only try this on 'ball friendly' shags. Gently wrap a thumb and index finger around his balls to pull them gently away from his body, until you have a sort of 'surface tension' on the bit of his scrotum furthest away from him. Then, starting gently, run your tongue in a circle around this 'end' area. You'll know when you are getting it right from his reaction. It won't (or rarely will should I say) bring most blokes off, but it feels pretty damn good. If he likes that try using a fingertip on the same area.

Giving a good BJ (blowjob) without gagging is a skill that we aren't born with, we have to learn. Here are some tips that could help you:

1. Alcohol tightens the throat muscles so it's best to avoid it (especially spirits) if you want to relax your throat.
2. Drinking orange juice can suppress the gag reflex. If you feel like you're going to gag when you've got a cock in your mouth – swallow. Don't worry, it won't go down.
3. Breathe through your nose. Exhale before taking his cock in your mouth. It will increase your oral capacity by about 33 percent.
4. Flatten your tongue. Say "mmm" or "aaah" to relax your mouth beforehand (you may want to do this quietly or he'll probably think you're a bit weird).
5. Take the cock into your mouth slowly and allow your throat to relax around it. If he tries to force it in, you'll gag for sure.
6. You'll find it easier if you have plenty of saliva. If your mouth feels dry have a glass of water handy.
7. Don't just use your mouth, use your hand as well. You can use your hand as a stopper to ensure that you control the amount of cock you take, as an improvised cock ring to keep him really hard, to wank him as you work him, or to play with his balls, arsehole, nipples or perineum.

Giving someone a blowjob is fairly low risk for HIV. You can reduce the risk even further by avoiding getting cum in your mouth – there are probably only a very few cases where someone has caught HIV without ejaculation into the mouth. It's more likely that you would pick up another STI, such as chlamydia, gonorrhoea, syphilis or herpes, so it's worth getting regular sexual health check-ups. If you wanted to reduce the risk even more, you'd have to use condoms when you suck cock.

Some would argue that getting a blowjob requires no effort at all, you just lie back and enjoy yourself - and they're not far wrong. But if you would like a repeat service, it's best to think about ways to make the experience a good one for the bloke who's going down on you too, so here are some tips.

Don't be afraid to let him know what you're feeling and what you like. You can let him know how much you're enjoying yourself by making appropriate grunts and heavy breathing, that way he'll know what's driving you crazy with desire, and what just drives you crazy.

Don't thrust too hard, especially not at first. His mouth and throat will probably take a while to get used to your cock so start gently and respond to the way he reacts to you. If you’re both comfortable you can enjoy the experience for longer.

Most men are going to prefer to suck a cock that's clean and smells good. Wash carefully, particularly if you have a foreskin.

Having someone suck on your cock carries no real risk of you catching HIV, but it is possible to pick up other infections, such as gonorrhoea or syphilis. Wearing a condom when you get your cock sucked can prevent most of these risks. However, as most men choose not too do this, regular sexual health check-ups will make sure you know about any STIs you may have picked up.

Foreplay

Fucking is like decorating – it's all in the preparation. Taking the time for foreplay will make fucking much more comfortable. This can include rimming, gentle fingering, lubrication, patience and listening to each other and responding appropriately. Making sure you take the time to do these things can all help the sphincters relax and reduce the amount of pain and discomfort men experience when having anal sex.

Positions

Different positions will be more comfortable for different couples, depending on the angle of the erection and the curvature of the penis. Any position where your knees are bent and drawn to your chest, whether you are kneeling, lying on your back or on your side, will probably lead to a more comfortable fuck, or will be a good position to start from. This position will straighten out the anal canal and the pubo-rectal sling will draw back to allow smoother entry to the arse.

Relax

If you are relaxed, then you will find it easier and more comfortable to get fucked. (yes, this is what Frankie Goes To Hollywood were singing about). Deep breathing can help you to relax and allows the arse to relax too. Take your time and make sure you feel comfortable, physically and emotionally, if you're feeling tense or pressured it's going to be harder for you to enjoy yourself. If you're struggling to accommodate his cock, try clenching your sphincter muscles around it, and then letting them relax.

Appropriate lubricants

Use water or silicon based lubricant if using latex condoms. Avoid using any lube with Nonoxynol 9 in it as it irritates the lining of the arse and may make sex more painful, as well as making transmission of HIV easier. There is more information on which lubes to use in the HIV & AIDS section of this site.

Douching

A healthy rectum usually only contains shit when the bowel is full and so there is little need to wash it out. If you feel better doing this, or if you are embarking on "deep arse play" (i.e. fisting) then you may want to douche. We recommend that you only ever use plain, clean water, preferably at body temperature. However, douching (even just with water) can irritate the lining of the arse making it more vulnerable to infections. You do not need antiseptics, disinfectants or anything else in a douche, as they can all irritate the lining of the arse even more.

Also, it is not recommended to use the douches that attach to the shower, for a number of reasons (variable water pressure, you can't control the amount of water that goes in, difficult to keep clean). If you do want to douche then use the small bulb douche (some men use these to squirt lube up their arse) or the gravity fed bags. You can buy over the counter douches that usually contain "additions" to help with things like constipation. Throw the "additions" away and rinse out the tube/bulb before you douche.

Taking a dump

There will only be shit in the anal canal if you need to take a shit. When anything goes into your arse (a cock, dildo, finger) it triggers the same in-built sensory response that occurs when you need to take a shit. This is because the anal canal is full, so the brain reacts as if the rectum is full of shit, even when it is not. Once you are used to this feeling it becomes less of a worry but it can help if you clear the passageways (take a dump) before having sex. Try not to force it - if you need to go, you'll know. If you get this sensation when a cock is going in your arse, relax and remind yourself that it's ok - your arse is full, but only with cock.

back to top

Needing to piss

Getting fucked can also make you feel like you need to take a piss. This commonly occurs in positions where the receptive partner is on his back. What's happening here is that the bladder is resting directly onto the rectum. As his cock (or a sex toy) pushes into the arse, it's effectively pushing the bladder up, prodding it. This prodding gives the sensation that you need to piss. If your bladder is empty, you will probably find that adopting a different position will make a difference.

Experience

We all know that different men like different things. The more experience a man has of anal sex, the more likely he is to know what he likes or needs to enjoy getting fucked. Work on asking for what you want or telling your sexual partners what you need. If you both talk about what you want, it puts you in control of the sex you have and makes it more enjoyable.

Drugs & chems

Some men use drugs to enable them to enjoy anal sex more. Using drugs may reduce the user's judgement, abilities and inhibitions, so that they do things on drugs that they wouldn't normally consider. Drugs can also lead to longer and more intense sex sessions which can cause condoms to break if there are not changed regularly or make the transmission of HIV and other STIs more likely if condoms aren't used.

1. Poppers (Amyl/Butyl Nitrite) is a common drug used during sex and it can increase the pulse rate, cause dizziness and relax involuntary muscles - especially the blood vessel walls and the anal sphincter. Popper use has been linked with an increased risk of HIV transmission when negative guys use them whilst being fucked by a positive guy without condoms. This may be because it can cause the blood vessels in your arse to dilate which gives the virus a better chance of getting in the bloodstream. It may also be linked to the fact that poppers can relax the arse muscles making it easier for some men to get fucked, and for longer. You should never use poppers in combination with Viagra or other anti-impotence drugs as their interaction can cause heart attacks.
2. Ketamine is also used by some men for sex and it belongs to a class of drugs called "dissociative anaesthetics", which separate perception from sensation. Other drugs in this category include PCP, DXM and nitrous oxide (laughing gas).
3. Other drugs used during sex include: GHB, Ecstasy, Grass/Hash, Coke, Crack, Crystal Meth, Valium and Xanax.

For more information on drugs, or if you are worried about your drug taking, you may find the following sites useful:

1. www.thehungerford.org/antidote.asp
2. www.ukna.org/

If it's basic drug info you're after, you could also try www.dancesafe.org or www.talktofrank.com. The information can sometimes be a bit patronising on drug information sites but they are a good place to learn the basics so you can keep yourself safe.

Know your limits

Setting boundaries for yourself allows you to be in control of the sex you have. If you are confident in what you are and are not prepared to do, it will be easier to stick to the sex you want. As well as knowing your sexual boundaries, there are physical limitations you need to consider too, to avoid any damage to your arse. With time and experience, some men enjoy taking large objects (like big dildos or fists) up their arses, but there is a limit. Anything that goes up your arse has to go through the pelvic opening, which is about four to five inches across (diameter). Anything bigger than that will probably cause serious damage if you do manage to get it in.

In this section you will find information about the arse and how it works. We believe that knowledge can help us have a better sex life. Knowing how our bodies work – what can happen when we have sex, how to look after our bodies and how to keep them working – can help us enjoy anal sex more.

External sphincter

The external sphincter is a muscle that holds the anal canal in shape. It stops you from shitting when you don't want to and can stop things from getting up your arse too. There are lots of nerves within your external sphincter so it can feel sensations of hot and cold, expansion and touch. This muscle is controlled by the central nervous system, the same system that controls the voluntary movement of our fingers and toes etc. This means that we are able to learn to tense and relax this muscle at will (most people can clench).

Internal sphincter

The internal sphincter shares the same functions as the external sphincter, to prevent any unwanted entry or exit and to hold the anal canal in shape. This muscle is controlled by the autonomic nervous system, the system responsible for controlling blood pressure, respiration rate and other ‘bodily functions’. This makes it harder, although not impossible, to learn how to control this muscle.

Anal canal

This short tube like canal is the final passageway in the passing of shit. The area provides some lubricant to ease the passage of the shit. The outer two thirds of the anal canal, the part you can see when you spread a guys arse open, is sensitive to touch, temperature and pressure. The inner third, that's the part that changes from flesh colour to bright reddish pink colour as you spread the arse hole open, is less sensitive to touch, but very sensitive to pressure. The whole of the anal canal is made up of folds of soft smooth tissue that give it a great capacity for expansion. The outer two thirds are made up of the same soft sensitive tissue visible at the opening. The inner third, the reddish pink bit, is a mucous membrane. This absorbs fluids into your blood stream, which is why the arse is so vulnerable to HIV. If the outer layer of the mucus membrane is disturbed (by douching, dildos, or even just from fucking) it makes the arse more vulnerable to infections like HIV. At the top of the canal are the 'anal sinuses' that are responsible for producing the snot like lubricant or anal mucus that occurs naturally in your arse. Research indicates that anal mucus is the body fluid that can have the highest concentrations of HIV.

back to top

Anal pillows

There are three anal pillows attached to the internal sphincter muscle which run the short length of the anal canal. The anal pillows inflate with blood to prevent shit from coming out of your arse, when you don't want it to, and to prevent things going up your arse too. They need to partially drain to allow you to shit (or allow anything in). They do this by responding to signals transmitted from the brain. You can feel sharp stabbing pains when the pillows aren't drained and you are trying to shit (especially if you strain too hard) or get fucked (or stick something up your arse). The veins that supply the blood to the pillows are the ones that can become piles, which are also known as haemorrhoids. It's these pillows that place large quantities of blood in your arse and accounts for the blood found during or following anal sex. It's this blood you can see on toilet tissue after you have been fucked or passed a particularly large or hard stool.

Rectum

This is the last section of the intestines which, along with the colon above it, absorbs excess water from your shit. The further away from your stomach the waste matter in your intestines is, the drier it gets. When you have diarrhoea and you pass watery shit, this is because your body shuts down the absorbing function in response to the infection it thinks is in the contents of your bowels or the water. The rectum only contains shit when your bowel is full. So a good dump before you get fucked should be all you need to do to be clean up there and significantly reduce the chances of some unpleasant mess. This part of your arse is like a sponge as it is so absorbent. When a man ejaculates (comes) inside the rectum, the semen is absorbed directly through the wall of the rectum so that any virus in his cum, such as HIV, has an easy route into the blood stream. Research suggests that there are some differences in the cells that make up the lining of the rectum compared to those that line the anal canal. These differences make it easier for the lining of the rectum to be disturbed or damaged and so it may be more susceptible to infections.

The rectum contains relatively few nerve endings and is therefore less sensitive. In general it transmits mostly sensations of pressure. As this is the continuation of the anal canal, this is another tube like structure of between five and nine inches long, made of loose folds of soft smooth tissue. It's worth remembering – the average length of a British cock when erect is between five and six inches, so most cocks only get as far as your rectum. Normally the rectum is more open and spacious than the anal canal, but also shares its capacity for expansion.

While the rectum is tube like it's not a straight tube. Instead it has two curves along its length. The lower rectum tilts forwards towards the navel (caused by the pubo-rectal sling – more of that later), and after a few inches, curves in the opposite direction towards the backbone. The second curve is usually more ‘adaptable’ than the first and rarely a source of discomfort. The pressure sensation in here when shit is present sends the message to your brain to go empty your bowels, which is why having a cock up there can make you feel like you need a shit. When you have a cock or a toy in your rectum and you feel like you need to shit, try reminding yourself that it's because your arse is full that your brain is getting this message because your arse is full of cock.

Chemicals or spermicidal lubricant, such as Nonoxynol 9, easily irritates the lining of the rectum. This can cause chafing where the lining of the rectum dries up and starts to peel, similar to the way your skin peels after sunburn, causing it to become itchy and very unpleasant. This can remove layers of cells from the lining of your arse making it more vulnerable to infection.

back to top

Rectal muscle coat

These are the muscles that support the entire length of the rectum. These tighten in stages along the length to move shit through the rectum and out into the world – this process of muscle contractions used to propel the shit down is called peristalsis. That's the same process that snakes use to propel their food through their bodies – muscles constrict and expand to push food down through the intestines.

The only sensations that the rectal muscle coat responds to are pressure and bulk. Some men say they can feel it when a man comes inside their arses but physiologically that's not possible. It's probably the cock spasms as the man ejaculates that they can feel against the sphincter, or the cum as it dribbles out of the arse across the sphincters, which are responsive to temperature, touch and movement.

The tension level of these muscles varies from person to person. Rectal muscles are not as powerful as the anal sphincters, however if they are tense the insertion of anything can be painful. It can expand to roughly eight times its size in volume, though not in length.

Pubo-rectal sling

This is a strong supportive muscle that creates the first curve in the rectum. It's one of the most powerful muscles in the body after the tongue. The muscle responds to pressure or poking by clamping down to close the rectum and this can prove painful when getting fucked, fingered or toyed with. It's when a cock stabs this that you get that ‘whoa get the fuck out of me’ sensation. Straightening out the rectum a bit by adopting a position where the knees are drawn up will help avoid this. Try squatting down over the cock, lying on your back or your side with your knees drawn up to your chest, or on your knees bringing your chest as close to the bed/floor as you can.

Prostate gland

The Prostate Gland produces fluids that are added to cum and, because it surrounds the urethra, it also helps control the flow of piss. A lot of the pleasure we can feel when getting fucked comes from the cock rubbing against the prostate, and for this reason it is often referred to as the male g-spot. Here's how to find your partner's prostate:

Get your man to lie on his back with his legs drawn right up, his knees held to his chest. Lubricate his arse, and then insert a well-lubricated middle finger into the arse hole. As the finger goes in curl it up so that the tip of the finger is hooking up and pointing behind the pelvis towards the cock. The prostate is there about an inch and a half in. It feels warm, rubbery and smooth. Flick or run the tip of your finger crossways against the prostate. This usually gives the owner sensations of intense pleasure.

Sigmoid colon ⁄ anal fold

This is the collection place for shit before it passes through the rectum into the anal canal and on into the world. The nerve endings here are similar to those in the rectum, responding only to sensations of pressure. It's also able to expand to larger than its normal size. When a cock, or something similar, is put up your arse, usually only the anal canal and the rectum are involved. However dicks, dildos or anything longer than nine or ten inches may pass through the rectum into the lower colon. This usually occurs without difficulty, as the muscles tend to relax at the same time as the other anal and rectal muscles.

back to top

Not being able to get or maintain an erection (known as erectile dysfunction) is not uncommon. It can be hugely frustrating and have an impact on how you feel about yourself. Erectile dysfunction can have many causes, some physical and some psychological. Stress, anxiety, depression, hormone levels, recreational drugs and alcohol are all known to play a part. Some prescribed drugs - like Prozac and Seroxat, used to treat depression - can also decrease your desire to have sex. There are also some erection problems that can be caused by HIV, or the side effects of certain anti-HIV drugs.

If your erection problems are psychological, it can become a vicious circle; the more you worry about your erection, the less likely you are to be able to get one. It can help to have some distraction so encourage your partner to focus on something other than your cock for a while - kissing or nipple play might help to get you back in action.

However, you don't have to try and solve it by yourself. If you are having erection problems regularly, it's worth going to your doctor. If you feel shy or embarrassed, remember that your doctor is experienced in treating men with this problem and will have seen a lot of guys in the same situation as you.

Whatever the reason, the erection problems can usually be sorted out, possibly through counselling or the use of drugs like Viagra or Cialis. If you do want to use drugs to treat erection problems, it's important to get a prescription from your doctor. Viagra and Cialis can be bought on the internet but there's no guarantee you're getting what you've paid for and the doses vary dramatically. Buying drugs from the internet could also get you in trouble with the police.

Erectile dysfunction drugs should not be taken with recreational drugs like poppers, cocaine and ecstasy, as the combination puts a lot of pressure on your heart and can increase the risk of heart attack.